Painful Relations
by El Duque
Summary: [Number 9] Ichigo doesn't need an alarm clock.
1. Punishment

**Pairing: Renji/Rukia**

**Warnings: Very bad language (but hey, it's Renji and Rukia, what do you expect)**

**Title: Punishment**

* * *

"Wake the fuck up!"

"Muhh... Go away...need sleep."

"Oh no ya don't, you little bitch. Get your lazy ass out of bed right-fucking-now!"

"Ow! God damnit, that hurt! How would you like to be castrated, you tattooed son of a bitch?"

"I forgot what a rabbid whore you could be when you aren't beating yourself up over shit you have no control over. And by the way, you should have a little more respect for some one who out-ranks you."

"Shut up! What the hell do you want anyway? _Ab-a-rai Fu-ku-tai-chou Siiiiiiiiir!"_

"If you're gonna be an annoying bitch about it, at least get it right. That's what I came here to talk to you about, anyway."

"Wait... does this mean you get to wear a nifty white robe? Great. Now, can you fuck off?"

"Oh my God, will you just shut up and let me tell you something?"

"Okay. Okay. I'm listening, you bastard."

"I've been waiting a long ass time just to be "worthy" of your precious little ass. I became a shinigami for you. I climbed the ranks for you. I got my ass kicked and lost about ten times my weight in blood. For you!"

"What the hell are you trying to say?"

"Damnit bitch, I love you!"

"...Oh."

"..."

"I'm going back to bed."

"..."

"Dumbass, are you gonna to join me or not?"

"I'm such a glutton for punishment."

* * *

A/N: I sort of based this on the side B chapter of the SOULS guidebook. It sheds some light on why Renji hasn't had the guts to tell Rukia he loves her. Sorry about the language. Renji is just being Renji and Rukia just woke up. 


	2. Worries

**Pairings: Ichigo/Orihime**

**Spoilers: End of SS arc**

**Warnings: Mentions of illicit sex**

**Title: Worries**

* * *

Ichigo often worried about Orihime.

Not in the usual sense of "I wonder if she's okay?" or "Will she be able to get home by herself?". Actually, he did worry over those things, but he was this way with almost everyone. Especially in Karakura, where he himself was assaulted with brass knuckles and rocks, just for unfortunately having orange hair.

What worried him about Orihime, really worried him, was the buxom girl's sanity. He couldn't really blame her, with all the crazy shit she went through because of him. He also recognized that a lot of the obtuse things she spouted were just to lighten the mood. That being said, Orihime was insane!

He found this out first hand one day when he awoke with a bare-naked Orihime in his arms.

It was odd, considering he did not have that kind of relationship with Orihime, ...that he knew of.

It was also odd, that the last thing he remembered, was fighting some asshole with a hole in his chest the night before. That and... Oh shit... A white mask slowly covering his face. He wasn't sure what the hell he had done while he was possessed, albeit by his subconscious self, but he was damn sure it probably wasn't good.

These facts did not compare in oddity; however, to his strange attire. Was that...? Yes. Yes it was. A children's plastic robot costume.

What the hell happened last night?

He found out later that day with an explanation from an ecstatic Orihime (which he didn't exactly trust at first) and a very odd, very kinky, very explicit video tape (which he apparently helped to create).

Okay. Now he wasn't just worried, he was horrified. A little bit for Orihime, but mostly of Orihime. He didn't know whether to berate her for putting herself in danger or run screaming from the building. He decided on the former.

"But the Mecha costume complimented your mask so well!" the bare-chested beauty protested.

Temporarily shocked that this particular subject seemed more important to her than the fact she just performed many strange and possibly illegal sex acts with a psychotic killer. (He decided to ignore the fact that, technically, he was that psychotic killer.)

"Whatever," she pouted, as she proceeded to label and then tenderly store the video tape of the previous night, "at least that part of you is in touch with his feelings."

Ichigo froze, awestruck, for what seemed like the hundredth time in just a short while. He then realized what else worried him about Orihime. She was too damn observant and she had a tendency to spill her little observations to friends, random strangers, and the occasional inanimate object. Just what did he tell her in between their little escapades?

She was bat-shit-nuts. And he realized, remembering particular scenes from the video, that he wouldn't have it any other way. Besides, his life was anything but normal; he guessed his sex-life wouldn't be any different.

"Orhime..." he finally said.

"Yes Mecha-san?" she replied with a stifled giggle.

"Let's try that again, only this time, without the mask and the costume."

She looked dismayed and said, "I'm sorry, but I don't have any more duct tape."

To placate the _innocent_ girl, Ichigo thought fast "I have an idea," he said as he began to make a call on his cell phone, though he wondered if Rukia would get suspicious about his sudden interest in bondage kidou."

* * *

Two weeks later, a packed screening of a very special home movie at the Urahara Shoten was violently interrupted by a very red-faced Ichigo.

* * *

A/N: I know it's a little out of character here, but it's hard to write crazy without coming off sounding…well…crazy. Plus, I kind of gave up towards the end. I couldn't tie the story, the comedy, and the freaky S&M sex together very well. 


	3. Priceless

**Characters: Ichigo, Isshin**

**Spoilers: None**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or MasterCard (I own _a_ MasterCard, but that doesn't count)**

**Title: Priceless**

* * *

Two dislocated fingers and a new alarm clock after trying to rudely wake your son: 47.00 Dollars and pain.

Three fractured ribs and a new coffee table after "welcoming" your son home with a flying spin-kick: 236.02 Dollars and more pain.

One broken arm, a toaster, two lamps, and four new windows after asking your son about his love life: 392.63 Dollars and, oh yes, pain.

Father and son bonding: Priceless.


	4. Secret

**Pairing: Ichigo/Rukia**

**Spoilers: End of Soul Society arc**

**Warning: Looks like angst, but it isn't**

**Title: Secret**

* * *

"Rukia…" Ichigo called her name softly.

The raven haired girl winced. She knew whenever Ichigo said her name like that, something important was coming. She set down her shoujo manga and padded over to the end of his bed. "What?" she said with her hands placed defiantly on her hips. She was annoyed and she thought he should know it. He tore her away from the best part of the story.

Ichigo did his best to avoid her hard gaze. She watched him fiddle involuntarily with the hem of his shirt. She knew something was really bothering him. He had been acting strange since she returned to the living world, but she just assumed it was due to his feelings of inadequacy. It was clear now, after his recent training, that wasn't the case. If she couldn't beat some sense into him, she figured she might as well find out what his problem was. Sighing, she sat on the end of his bed.

Ichigo glanced up at her when he felt the new weight on the bed. He swallowed hard and returned his gaze to his meddling fingers again. "What if…" he cleared his throat, "What if I told you that I had feelings for you?" He looked her in the eyes and she could see the fear and nervousness in his.

"Oh Ichigo!" she cried, "Ichigo, don't say that! Please don't tell me that!"

Ichigo was visibly crushed. She knew that he wanted to do something, anything, but he couldn't decide so he was forced to sit there in the uncomfortable silence. "Why?" he said at length, barely able to hide the cracking of his voice.

"Ichigo…There's someone else," she told him bluntly. "I'm sorry, but I didn't know your feelings and… and I just… I love him."

She watched as he clenched his fists so hard his knuckles turned white. "Who?" he said, trying to control his anger.

"Fernando," Rukia said. At this, Ichigo's eyes opened wider and he fixed his gaze upon her, confusion visible in his features.

"Who the hell is Fernando?" Ichigo questioned. If anyone he thought maybe Renji or, hell, even Ishida would have made some sense. Orihime had said something about a secret crush.

"Ichigo, Fernando is… Now don't get mad. Fernando is a hollow. He's your hollow."

Now Ichigo had to lift his mouth up from the floor. Rukia could see him mouthing words but nothing was coming out so she just continued. "The heart wants what the heart wants, Ichigo."

The orange haired teen sprang up at this. "What the hell Rukia? That thing doesn't even have a name. What are you talking about?"

"Maybe he just never told you," she said quietly as she looked at the floor. "He's actually quite nice. After you go to sleep, he sometimes takes over your consciousness. At first I was scared, but I grew to love him."

Ichigo's hair now paled in comparison to the color of his face. He was actually starting to sputter in his rage and confusion. Rukia couldn't take it any more and started laughing. At first, she tried to keep it in and just giggled. Eventually, she clutched her sides and fell back on Ichigo's bed, laughing out loud. Ichigo couldn't comprehend what was going on and just stared in horror.

"I… Ichi… Ichigo… I'm kidding! I'm kidding, Ichigo!" Now the boy was flabbergasted. He sat down on the bed unceremoniously. She could tell he was grasping for answers and failing miserably. She climbed over to him and cupped his face in her hands. "Ichigo, I love you, you big idiot."

Before he could voice anything, she captured his lips in a kiss. At first, Ichigo tensed but eventually returned the kiss and wrapped his arms around her small frame. He couldn't help but notice; however, that she was laughing as she was kissing him. She finally had to pull away to laugh properly, as not to suffocate. "Ichigo… I love teasing you! It's so easy!"

"No more shoujo manga for you," Ichigo growled, but he couldn't help but smile as he tackled her to his bed, stifling her laughter with another kiss.


	5. Classroom Antics

**Pairing: None**

**Spoilers: Maybe for chapter 222**

**Warning: Ichigo being creepy**

**Title: Classroom Antics**

* * *

Ever since Ichigo had gained control over his hollow, things had gotten better. Not only did he lose the constant psychotic dialog with himself, but he also gained a part of himself he had lost a long time ago.

His happier, more fun loving, mischievous side.

It seemed the hollow inside him embodied not only his blood lust, but many of Ichigo's other emotions and personality traits. This assimilation of his two selves made Ichigo somewhat more normal. "Somewhat" being the key word. And like most people with power, Ichigo now realized he could abuse that power.

This wasn't to say that Ichigo had visions of world domination or anything. He just liked to have a little fun.

Ichigo's new favorite activity was to use his ability to remain invisible to the general populous in order to amuse himself. This usually occurred in classroom during periods of boredom.

He would leave his body face down on his desk as if he were asleep and proceed to the front of the classroom. Here, he would dance around like a complete jackass and otherwise make a fool of himself.

This wouldn't be near as fun if his class wasn't full of his friends who had enough spiritual ability to see him: Inoue, Chad, Ishida, and recently Tatsuki and Keigo. The latter spiritual converts were not really sure of what was going on. Tatsuki gaped with her mouth wide open at Ichigo and his body. She was obviously a little disturbed as she continued to stare at one and then the other frantically. Keigo opted for the more subtle approach to dealing with a dancing spiritual Ichigo: He shut his eyes, banged his head on his desk, and muttered "It's all in my head" over and over again.

Ichigo thoroughly enjoyed their confusion, but his favorite things were the reactions from his three long time companions.

Chad's was fun since the large man would struggle to keep from laughing. He did fairly well because the stoic expression on his face never reflected any emotion he felt internally. Despite this, Chad's laugh would escape through his tightly sealed lips and he was often asked if he needed a drink of water since it sounded like he was choking.

Orihime's reaction was Ichigo's second favorite. She, unlike Chad, made no attempt to hide her laughter. Though she was constantly berated by her fellow classmates, as well as the teacher, she couldn't help but clutch her sides and guffaw loudly. Sometimes she would even fall on the floor or pound her fists on her desk while tears came to her eyes.

Ichigo's favorite person to "entertain" in his class was Ishida. The Quincy had been ignoring him and his friends for a while now, a fact which irritated Ichigo. His spiritual escapades at the front of the classroom provided him with a perfect forum to get through to Ishida.

At first, Ishida had tried to ignore him, opting instead to adjust his glass and look away. That didn't matter much; Ichigo enjoyed a challenge. It seemed Ishida didn't think his dancing was very interesting. Ichigo knew how to step it up though.

Ichigo would first materialize his hollow mask and then perform some perversion of Kabuki theatre. Then he would grope Occhi-sensei and sometimes even forcibly waltz with her. This would of course horrify the class and definitely Occhi-sensei, but Ichigo figured it was worth it in order to get a rise out of Ishida.

The Quincy would grit his teeth and a vein would pop out of his forehead. Ichigo liked to change his act in order to see which shade of red he could get Ishida to turn. The deepest shade of red Ishida could achieve was caused by Ichigo licking Occhi-sensei's face through his hollow mask, while winking at the irate, bespectacled boy.

Yes, life was good. As long as Rukia didn't find out.

* * *

AN: I appreciate the reviews I've gotten so far and I hope to continue getting more. Thanks! 


	6. Inevitability

**Pairing: Ishida x Nemu**

**Spoilers: None**

**Warning: None**

**Title: Inevitability**

* * *

They sit atop the hill where the execution pole once stood. It has long since been destroyed by the power of his friend. He smiles sadly as he thinks of him. Ichigo, like the stately tool of death, is now only a memory. Ishida wishes he was still around. Not just because he misses his friend, but because he left things unfinished. The injustices of Soul Society still remain.

Nemu stirs in his arms and brings his attention back to the present time. She leans back into him and rests her head on his shoulder. He follows the silky strands of her raven hair down to her pale neck, finishing the trip with a gentle kiss against the soft flesh where her collarbone and neck meet. He grasps the dark locks that lie there and brings them to his face. She smells like rain and something he cannot place.

As he pulls the bulk of her hair around to the other side of her neck in order to gain better access to her enticing skin, he notices something. She pulls the collar of her uniform tighter around herself when she notices him staring, but she relents when he takes her hand in his. The sun is beginning to set, so Ishida has to squint in order to see it clearly.

It is a bruise, garish and large, covering a significant portion of her upper torso.

"I'm sick of this," he hisses through clenched teeth.

"It is my own fault. My incompetence is the cause of…"

"That's enough," he interrupts her. His tone is forceful and sharper than she is used to. "It is not your fault, and I won't hear anything like that ever again. The next time he hurts you, I will wipe him from the plane of existence."

Nemu knows it is not an idle threat. Ishida keeps his promises. When she replies, her tone is resigned. "He will punish me again. I will anger Mayuri-sama and he will take action. It is inevitable."

"Then his death is inevitable." Ishida spits this out. There is no room for discussion. He won't stand for her suffering any longer.

Nemu doesn't know why, but she does not want her father to die. She understands that he is cruel; perhaps even evil, but something in her feels for him. She wonders if she was created this way. Her loyalties have changed though, so when Ishida wraps his arms tightly around her, she buries her face into his sleeve.

Ishida can feel warm dampness seep into his sleeve, but he hears no sobbing or even ragged breathing. It angers him to know she has had to learn to cry silently. He would do anything not to hurt her, to save her from any pain whatsoever, but he has to. She loves that wicked man for some ungodly reason and it will hurt her when he destroys her father. But he has to hurt her this time.

Because he loves her.

* * *

AN: This one turned out to be pretty dark and humorless, so… yeah. Anyway, give me reviews damn it! Alas, I am a whore for them. 


	7. Art Lesson

**Pairing: Ichigo/Rukia**

**Warning: I am insane.**

**Title: Art Lesson**

* * *

Rukia didn't know where everyone got the idea that Ichigo couldn't use _kidou_. It seemed that everyone thought Ichigo was just a powerful idiot. She guessed this assumption sprung from the fact that he couldn't reign in his spirit energy. His _reitsu_ leaked from him, flooding the environment around him and even causing disturbances in the souls of others. Although this wasn't necessarily desirable, it in no way affected his ability to channel that power.

Ichigo had achieved _bankai _in an insanely short amount of time. This required not only power, but skill. Captain Hitsugayu was often viewed as a prodigy for the short amount of time it took for him to climb the ranks of the ranks of the _Gotei_ 13. Although his time was impressive, it still took him decades. Ichigo accomplished just as much in a matter of months, not to mention hiding all his progress from the rest of the world. In addition to this, Rukia could recall specific occasions when Ichigo's spirit sense had impressed her. He even had the ability to find the spirit thread of a child's soul imprisoned in a parakeet.

So, with all his power, control, and spirit sense, of course Ichigo could use _kidou_. In fact, he was fantastic at it.

With her free time, Rukia had taken it upon herself to teach the citrus-haired _shinigami_ the demon arts. She really enjoyed this time with Ichigo. His love of Shakespeare and poetry made the transition to demon art incantations effortless. For all his effort to maintain his bad-ass image, Ichigo was quite insightful when it came to literature. Rukia liked how the lessons would meander into quiet conversations about a particular poem or work that Ichigo thought related to the various spells. He would get a little off topic, but Rukia could never bring herself to end their uncharacteristically peaceful talks.

Another great aspect of teaching Ichigo _kidou_ was the fact that he could use the higher level spells. Once she had shown him the incantation, Ichigo could perform the spell easily. Not many _shinigami_ had ever even seen a spell above seventy being performed, so Rukia made it her goal to see what every one of them looked like. It was sort of like playing with fireworks for her.

Ichigo's favorite thing; however, was not gaining a sense of accomplishment or satisfying his curiosity. No, his favorite thing was to burn stuff.

Rukia understood that he was much younger than her, but she wondered if he had to be _so_ childish. Though, she had to admit, it was pretty funny. Ichigo would light something on fire and then look to her for her approval. She couldn't figure out if he was trying to impress her in some weird way or if he was just an idiot. Either way, she couldn't help but smile and nod at his little displays.

And, of course, she just had to giggle when he'd put his arm around her, set the surrounding area on fire, and ask "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" Rukia couldn't help but fall for the little pyro's antics. He just got this adorable glint in his eyes when he set things ablaze.

Perhaps it wasn't so wise to encourage him. Although she appreciated the sign of affection, having 'Rukia' inside a giant heart burned into local buildings was not something she truly desired.

* * *

AN: Review or… or I'll… Just review damn it! 


	8. Revenge

**Characters: Ichigo, Keigo, & surprise. (No pairings)**

**Warning: Nothing. Just Randomness**

**Title: Keigo's revenge**

* * *

"Ichiiiiigoooo!"

His face collided with the orange haired teenager's fist, leaving Keigo sprawled unceremoniously on the floor of the classroom. Though his eyesight was blurry from tears of pain and abandonment, he was able to see Ichigo walk away with his new circle of 'friends'.

As he laid there, blood streaming from his nose, Mizuro just stepped over him on his way to the door. The short womanizer left with an absent minded, "Later, Keigo," and proceeded to text message one of his many girlfriends.

* * *

On his way home from school, Keigo thought about his friends. They always treated him like a second class citizen, but everyone had been even colder than usual. Ichigo was the worst. He had been ignoring Keigo for months. Thinking about it just made him mad. He became so angry; he even began talking aloud to himself.

"Everyone thinks I'm just a nuisance. Just because I try to lighten the mood, everybody thinks I'm just a stupid clown. Maybe if I just had a dumb scowl plastered on my face all the time, I'd get some respect. God, why does Ichigo have so many friends? And, he has all the women too. First it was Inoue-san and Kuchiki-san, now he even gets to hang out with that gorgeous new transfer student."

Keigo was too busy ranting that he failed to notice the ominous figure looming over him.

"I really can't stand it any more. Maybe I'll get my hair bleached a stupid color. That might at least get me some attention. Damn Ichigo!"

"What was that about Ichigo?" Someone behind him growled. Turning slowly, Keigo observed an impossibly large man with an eye-patch, spiky hair, and a sword. He thought about screaming, but that would require getting air to his lungs, something he was having a hard time doing.

Kenpachi had enough of the boy simply gawking at him, so he picked the human up by the shirt collar and yelled, "Speak, damn it!"

Keigo barely managed to ask, actually whimper, "Wha-what do you wa-want wi-with Ichigo?"

At this, and much to Keigo's surprise, the man seemed to look hurt. In a much less commanding tone, Kenpachi said, "Bastard keeps ignorin' me."

* * *

Ichigo hated his life. Seriously, he really hated it. He also hated his so called 'friends'. He thought all this while fleeing for his life from Kenpachi, who just so happened to be carrying his soon-to-be former friend, Keigo.

"Pay attention to us, damn it!"

Someone was going to pay for this, most likely Keigo after Kenpachi left.


	9. Alarm Clock

**Pairings: Ichigo/Orihime**

**Title: Alarm Clock**

* * *

Life was good. Things had been calm for awhile and the world was, for the most part, returning to normal. Some might think that was boring, but that was okay. Ichigo liked boring. Boring didn't cut you, boring didn't bite you or crush you. Boring was good.

Sick of the sight of blood, Ichigo had eschewed the family profession of medicine. It would have been hard to become a doctor anyway as he had dropped out of school to fight in the war. Ichigo didn't care at all about money as long as he had enough for basic necessities. His humble job suited him fine and he got to be his own boss. It seemed he had inherited the cooking gene just like Yuzu so he started his own little restaurant.

It was just a little shop, but business was pretty good. That was probably thanks to his wife, Orihime. Ichigo wasn't too keen on the idea of people coming there to ogle his wife, but it wasn't just her looks that drew people to their little shop. She always had a bubbly personality, but that had increased three fold since they had gotten married. As long as he kept her away from anything that had to be edible at some point, everything ran smoothly.

He was happy to be where he was now. Orihime had loved him for some time and he had finally found out during the war. He always tried to be tough, but deep down he had always been a romantic so it hadn't taken long for him to fall completely in love with her. To be honest, it felt great to be in love. It was the greatest thing he ever experienced and it was this love that got him through the horrible times in the past.

Orihime was kind, beautiful, smart, and loving. Ichigo couldn't think of anything he'd change about her…

Except…

Well, it had started soon after they started living together. Ichigo's throat hurt in the mornings and he had woken up in coughing fits. This really puzzled him because he was perfectly healthy.

A few weeks later, he had not been able to sleep and was lying in bed thinking. It was just before dawn as he lied there next to his wife. She looked so peaceful and happy as she slept. She even seemed to smile and laugh as she dreamed, which made Ichigo grin as he brushed a strand of hair out of her face. As he watched the first light of morning stream into their room and shine gently on Orihime's face, the mystery of his sore throat was solved.

As soon as the sun's rays ran over her closed eyes, she flung her arm out to the side and caught Ichigo in the neck with the knife edge of her hand. Ichigo's eyes watered as he hacked and coughed trying to get air into his lungs. Orihime just rolled over and continued to sleep peacefully, oblivious to the fact that she had just assaulted her husband.

Ichigo didn't tell Orihime at first, knowing that she would feel bad, and instead tried to solve the problem on his own. First he noted that she only attacked him when the sun rose so he closed all the blinds. Her internal clock must have been super accurate because even without the sunlight, she got him right in the throat.

Next, Ichigo tried shifting in the bed so his neck was in a different place than usual. To his horror, she again located his neck with pinpoint accuracy.

After many sleepless nights, Ichigo finally snapped and told Orihime what was going on. She had not reacted the way he supposed she would, opting instead to giggle and then come to a sudden realization. "Ichigo! Did you say at exactly dawn?" she had asked hopefully. "I must be part rooster!" It made Ichigo uncomfortable to note how happy the thought of being part rooster made her.

* * *

Now, years later, he has yet to find an effect way to protect his neck from his wife. As he receives his dawn karate chop, Orihime leans over and whispers "good morning" into his ear. Then she caresses his neck, first with her fingers and her lips. When she uses her tongue, he is most definitely wide awake and he thinks absently that Orihime puts alarm clocks to shame.

Just when he has totally forgotten about the pain she bites down on his neck. Taking advantage of his shock, she swings one leg over his hips and now he's looking up at her. The look in her eyes is strangely arousing and frightening at the same time. It's good that Ichigo is his own boss. They'll be late for work this morning.

His life isn't _that_ boring.


End file.
